The way it was: Impossible to please anyone —Mian Ijaz Ul Hassan
Good
intentions are great but they do not entitle a person to appropriate the rights
of others. As I said everyone has the right to drink the poison of his own
liking. Socrates drank hemlock. Cleopatra had herself bit by a snake
The rain should either have come a month earlier or ten days later. Just when
paddy is being harvested, making way for the sowing of wheat, it should not
start raining. This is not fair. ‘God knows what is best,’ say the poor
peasants who have may have been hurt the most by this untimely downpour. Ten
days later it would have been a windfall. Any way this is what is always
expected. Farmers are made to sweat for their bread, even in winter. But it
doesn’t matter. They are used to it. Aren’t they?
It might interest you to know what a Jat friend, who has never farmed in his
life, but who loves to pontificate, had to tell me. ‘Paddy is planted and you
sow wheat.’ Did you know that? Now don’t you go about telling people that
you were sowing flowers in your garden, because they are planted not sowed.
Looking at the positive side, the winter showers have washed the sky clean of
wanton dust, smoke and toxic gases, farted by motorised vehicles. At last we
will be able to see blue for a few days, before the viscous coat of filth
obliterates it again.
Actually clean air has given some people a headache. It is true that inhalation
of extra oxygen can actually make you dizzy. I know of a person who almost died
after having a fresh glass of milk — he spent a whole week flushing the
commode.
We are a generation, which has been raised on blended spirits and values. That
is why they never cease to blend the Constitution to please different needs. I
sometimes wonder if there is any difference between blending and adulteration. I
am sure there is. Blenders are men of taste whereas adulterators are men of
power. However, both get away making lots of money. Now there is no harm in that
if the consumers are kept happy and given some choice. No one likes to be
poisoned against his or her will, by a blender, adulterator or for that matter
an adulterer.
If everyone is kept happy and everything is executed discreetly, logically
speaking, no one should have cause for complaint. In that sense no one should
even have anything against adultery if it is conducted with voluntary deception.
The element of free choice must remain operative at all times, under all
circumstances and in every situation. Committing suicide, you will surely agree,
is a question of personal propensity — a matter of personal choice. It is not
the same thing as getting oneself killed. The latter jeopardises the right of
individual choice.
The whole mystique of suicide, and for that matter the very purpose of democracy
would be debased if any one else did it for you. That is the principle reason
why adultery is spurned by civil society. Imagine Brutus doing it to Cleopatra
for Antony. Brutus being executed by Augustus for treason would not be the same
thing as Brutus impaling himself on his rusty sword.
For the same reason when a person, with howsoever a noble passion, takes on
democracy, on behalf of the people, it is not the same as people choosing
themselves. Good intentions are great but they do not entitle a person to
appropriate the rights of others. As I said everyone has the right to drink the
poison of his own liking. Socrates drank hemlock. Cleopatra had herself bit by a
snake. I believe rat poison is ideal for the Rats.
Everyone has the right to spend his penny the way he likes. It is his penny.
Presumably a hard-earned penny. No one has the right to take it away, even if in
the past, it has not been judiciously spent. Pennies remind me of muscle. Can
you think of anyone who has muscles, but is without pennies? At least I can’t.
It is amazing how often one thing leads on to another. Pennies make me think of
muscles and muscles of the Butts — a noble breed of Kashmiris who have
descended from Paradise to patronise the dusty Punjab.
E M Forester in one of his essays on Pans confesses that crowd for crowd if he
were to travel in a bus, he would rather travel with the pan-eating Indians than
with the garlic-eating Italians. A strong breath of garlic, as you must know,
can actually kill a scorpion. Forester was a wise man. If he had visited Lahore,
he would have advised everyone, if inevitably one had to enter into
altercations, that it was best to avoid the Butts. My friend Fuad is a darling.
He can appear deceptively dormant, but flares up like a volcano. He has never
hurt a fly, but like all Butts seems capable of killing an elephant.
There is a family of Butts at my village. I have not known people more courteous
and true to their word. I have often wondered what they are doing in a village.
All the Butts (Butt is used here as a generic name for all Kashmiris) I have
ever sighted have been mostly in the cities. I recall seeing in the early
fifties Kashmiris loading trucks outside Delhi Gate, but never saw one work in a
field. Most of the ones I have known have been bodybuilders, boxers, wrestlers
and yoghurt-eaters. Nay, nay, in all fairness there have been many others of
different talents and occupations.
Fuad is one of the leading architects of the country. Mhoody (Mehmood) Butt has
been a three-in-one, a boxing coach, a cartoonist and a portrait painter. How
can one forget the three hockey Olympians, Munir Dar, Zaka and of course Qasim
Zia, now president PPP Punjab. Munir Dar was without doubt the best hockey
fullback the world has ever seen. Qasim in his own way, with the bearing of a
green lad with heart of a lion, would without the slightest concern for personal
safety engage the German and Australian Goliaths as though he was playing
chequers.
There were many others whom I forget at the moment, including my friend Asghar
Butt, Pakistan Junior Body Building champion, who had the privilege of having
his forceps felt and admired by none other than the great Chou En Lai. When the
Chinese prime minister visited Lahore, he was specifically brought to Aitchison
College to see for himself how well we looked after the education of the rich
and privileged. The other person — how could I forget her — was one of my
own Kashmiri great grand aunts, who was fair like fresh linen and innocent like
a dove.
Getting back to my village, Abdul Butt loves spinning a yarn and narrating
stories, which have an adverse bearing on people’s conduct and manners. A man
who is committed to calling a spade a spade naturally does not go down well with
other fellows. Some of his well wishers have repeatedly complained that Abdul
Butt doesn’t have to persistently needle people. Occasionally a spade can be
referred to as an instrument for digging earth. Similarly a hammer can be
addressed as an instrument for encouraging a nail to penetrate a hard surface. I
wonder if a scythe can be called a metallic denture? Life has become really
difficult these days. It is almost impossible to please anyone.
Prof Ijaz-ul-Hassan is a painter, author and a political activist